Somewhere around the age of 21, I became a little bit of a perfectionist overachiever. Unfortunately for my mom and dad, I was a junior in college before this trait set in, but since then, I have always wanted to be the best. If I do something, I want it to be the best, perfect. All I can think about right now, with a baby on the way, is how I want to be the perfect Mom. How am I going to overachieve as a Mom? When I send out my baby’s birth announcement, it will be the cutest picture ever with the most perfect bible verse on it. When I plan my baby’s first birthday, it will be the most creative, fun birthday party people have ever been to. When it is my baby’s first Halloween, they will have the most perfect baby costume ever. (If Ken has his way, they will be Batman. Boy or girl.) All of these things keep running through my head. Over and over. I also talk to friends of mine who are already moms, and they feel the same. They want their child’s snacks to be cute, healthy, and appropriately themed before sending them to preschool. They want their child to have the best first day of school outfit or look the cutest in their class picture. Thankfully, my best friend, Katie, is not one of these moms. Her exact words when she sent me Conrad’s picture on picture day were “I forgot it was picture day so he is wearing his Super Grover tshirt.” Another quote from Katie(whom I can learn a lot from!) was “I dressed myself in green for St. Patrick’s Day but I forgot to put C in green.” I mean, can yall see why I love this girl? Anyway, I digress. Moms out there who are worried about being Super Moms, don’t stress. Your child is going to be awesome no matter what. They need you. They don’t need the best Halloween costume or the healthiest lunch. They need your time. They don’t need the most extravagant birthday party.
To myself I say: Stacy, all your child needs is a loving mom that shows Jesus to them. Thankfully, I had that from Deb in spades, even if she didn’t bring cupcakes to my class for my birthday. She showed Jesus to me through her love for me and for others. My main responsibility is to do the same. As I grow closer to meeting my baby, I also am growing closer to my God. My prayer for myself everyday is that I forget about the world’s standards that I set for myself as a Mom(it’s exhausting to try to live up to my own standards) and that I am able to live up to God’s standards that He has for me as a Mom. My main responsibility when my baby arrives is that he/she sees Jesus through me and comes to know Him.
I am trying to keep everyone updated on our progress of our adoption, so I am pretty sure that everyone knows that we have had our homestudy approved and we are in the active pool now. That means that our profile book(Which is awesome) is being shown to all birthmoms now! SO exciting. However, along with everyone knowing this, this brings up a tricky situation.
Everytime people see me or Ken or both of us together, the first thing they think to ask, is “Have y’all heard anything?” I know it seems really, really unappreciative when I say this, but I hate being asked this question. I appreciate the thought behind this question, I appreciate everyone who loves Ken and me enough to ask us this question, and I appreciate that people actually care. But, those of you that know me, know that I analyze everything. So everytime someone asks “Have y’all heard anything yet?”, inside I am thinking “Why haven’t we heard anything yet?” Everytime someone asks “Have y’all been picked by a birthmom yet?”, inside I am thinking “Why haven’t we been picked yet?”. These questions bring out the worst in me. They bring out my worrying/analyzing/nitpicking self.
I am really struggling with the whole waiting thing anyway. It’s hard when you have nothing to take your mind off it. For months, we have been doing paperwork, and homestudy, and physicals, and now there is nothing. Everytime an unexpected number shows up on my phone, I think it is a case worker. Everytime we get a letter from our adoption agency, I think it is about a placement. The only cure that I have found for this is to constantly remember that God has a plan for my life, no matter what plan I want Him to have for my life. No matter how much I worry or how much I nitpick or how much I overanalyze, His will is going to be done. I have no control which scares me to death.
So, to all of you who have asked if we have heard anything, thank you so much for asking that question. It brings up things for me that need to be dealt with. No, we haven’t heard anything, but I know that we will when it is His time. Thanks for asking. 🙂
Hello wee one,
Daddy here again. I wanted to tell you I love you and have been praying for you constantly in the past few days. The closer it gets to meeting you and you being a part of our lives, the better my attitude becomes.
Even though I have so many great things going for me right now there is one thing I have always struggled with and undoubtedly always will: anxiety.
You will experience this at some point. You will become anxious when you have to take your first test in school, when you are cheering on your favorite team and the game is close at the very end, when you get your first kiss. Being anxious is part of life unfortunately, sometimes it is a good feeling, and mostly it is a crippling feeling.
Your daddy unfortunately has been experiencing the more crippling variety lately. While I could feel like this is a terrible thing and just dwell on all of the negative things but instead I’ve found so many positives from it. These feelings have caused me to reaffirm my relationship with God. I know that without Him I have nothing. I know that through Him I have everything I need.
I hope I can help to instill to you from an early age how important it is to have a relationship with God. I hope that your passion for Him will be at the forefront of all of your decisions in life. Anxiety is something of this world. It is something meant to bring you down. A relationship with God is not of this world. It is meant to bring great things.
I love you. -Daddy