“That’s not fair!”

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As I sat outside today, regulating the daily wallball game at recess, one of my students ran up to me complaining about getting out. He said, “I didn’t know that was a rule! That’s not fair!” I calmly told him my standard answer: “Well, sweetheart, sooner or later you’re going to learn that life isn’t always fair.” 

I’ve been thinking about that a lot since then. I can easily tell my student that he needs to get used to the fact of life being unfair, but today I have thought “It’s not fair!” more times than I can count. As most of you know, I lost my Grandma Floyd in January, shortly after beginning this adoption process. I was sad that she would never see her great-great grandchild, but I knew that she had lived a long life and was ready to go to Heaven. I was comforted by that. However, this morning when my mom called me to tell me that my Papa’s heart had stopped in the middle of the night and he was on a ventilator, my first thought was “This is NOT fair.” It’s not fair that his health has declined this quickly. It’s not fair that his reaction to dialysis was the worst one that his kidney doctor had ever seen. It’s not fair that he has to be restrained and sedated because he HATES the tubes going down into him, but they’re keeping him alive. It’s not fair that my Grandma, my dad and his brothers had to make a decision to not revive him if his heart stops again. And it DEFINITELY isn’t fair that there is a possibility that he won’t meet my baby. I was okay with Grandma Floyd not meeting her great great grandchild because most children don’t have that luxury of meeting their mom’s great grandmother, no matter how awesome she was. 🙂 But when we started this journey, my Papa wasn’t of the best health, but I never in a million years thought that he might not be around when our baby came. I just kept thinking, “It’s not fair.”

But then I have to remind myself, “Sweetheart, sooner or later you’re going to learn that life is not fair.” It’s not, but God is. God is always fair and just. He knows exactly what He is doing. And if He decides that my baby will meet his Great Papa, then we will have that to celebrate. But if He decides to take my Papa before my baby is born, then we will be able to celebrate that Papa is home with his Heavenly Father, and no longer has kidneys or a heart that are giving out on him. Either way, life isn’t fair. God is fair.  

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Different people, different callings.

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When I tell people what I do for a living, they usually 1. think it’s awesome and 2. say something like “I could never teach school.” That’s so true. So many people couldn’t go into a classroom and make it as a teacher. I am by no means saying my job is the hardest job in the world. I could never do the job of a nurse, or a banker, or by all means, I could never do anything where I had to work outside. Different people are called to do different things in life, and I feel that I have been called to be a teacher. I feel like it is God’s purpose in my life. 

Along the same lines, Ken and I were called about a baby that was available for adoption a few weeks ago. (This has really been the first time that things have calmed down enough to blog since.) This baby would have been a private adoption because a friend of ours was called about this baby because she had expressed interest in adopting a baby.  She and her husband couldn’t take this baby because they have a ten month old, so she called me. THAT was an interesting phone call. It was exciting and nervewracking all at once! The baby was born with a hole in his heart as a result of substance abuse with the mother. A hole in the heart can close up with no problem, or it can be a sign of down syndrome. As our friend described the situation to me, I was concerned. I called Ken to tell him and ask him about his opinion. He, being the level headed man that he is said that we should pray about it, which is what we did. In the end, (as you might have figured out) we decided that we were not called to adopt this baby. Sadly, it wasn’t the baby for us. 

There are people out there that are called to adopt children with special needs. These people are such blessings. Ken and I do not feel called to this, nor do we have the financial or emotional capabilities to do this. It’s heartbreaking, but being in the adoption process has taught me a lot of things. One thing is that you pray constantly. Pray about every decision. Pray about every situation that arises. Pray for yourself and everyone else that is involved in the process with us. So that’s what we decided to do for this baby. We decided to pray for him and his adoptive parents that got this special gift. That’s the least we can do! If you will, join me in praying for this baby boy in Savannah who needs a lot of care and attention and love right now. 

Closure- By a guest blogger!

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If you clicked the link this week to read something beautiful that Stacy wrote you will be sadly disappointed. Stacy has let me write something for her this go round. I casually joked around about this thought two weeks ago, only to find out that it would be something that Stacy was ecstatic about.

The title of my article is a personal one for me. Closure isn’t exactly an easy concept if you think about it. Most people have a difficult time finding this feeling in life due to all of the other easier feelings that register: anger, fear, rage, sadness, incompleteness, denial and any other emotion that takes very little effort to produce. But, closure (or acceptance) is something that doesn’t come without trying.

This weekend was my ten year high school reunion. This was something I was very apprehensive about going back to. Quite the opposite, Stacy and I stayed with two of our best friends in the world, I was home, and I was going to see some people that I shared so many wonderful memories with. The thing I wasn’t looking forward to was feeling those feelings of inadequacy that you feel when you are ages 14-18. It’s funny, after all of these years, all of the experiences and relationships; it’s easy to revert to being a child.

One of the main topics that I was asked about was our impending adoption of you, my soon to be best friend. The mere thought of you this weekend was a giant bright spot in a spot of your dad’s biggest weakness: Letting go. You helped me let go and to forget all of those things I felt all of those years ago. I want you to know that one day you will be in my same shoes and things will be very confusing for you. I know that with your mother’s infectious spirit and conversation skills you won’t be stuck with my less than stellar social skills. So, you’re going to have great friends. These will be one of the greatest treasures of this world.

I hope that you figure out that there will be things in this world that won’t be fair. There will be things that will not go your way. There will be things that are absolutely crushing to you. There will also be faith, hope and love for you from me, your mother, all of our families and your mom and dad’s friends who beam anytime they talk to us about you. As I sit here typing to you and thinking about the wonderful friends that I’ve been blessed with in this world I am beginning to tear up. We love you and are ready to let you be our new best friend, we’re ready to beam at you now.

“Beauty of whatever kind, in its supreme development, invariably excites the sensitive soul to tears.”

I walk the line

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Once again, the time is here. It’s time to get back into a regular school schedule. Ken always says that he likes “summer Stacy” the best. It’s because I am relaxed, I am not always on a tight schedule or too overly stressed. When I am relaxed, he can relax. Unfortunately, all of this is true. When I am in school, I have to go to bed at a certain time, wake up at a certain time, eat dinner at a certain time, work out on a regular basis. My life is just routine, but extremely busy. 

 There are jobs that you go at a certain time, leave at a certain time, and not another thought is given to your job after you leave the door. Man, this would be nice. As a teacher, there is not a day that goes by that I am not grading papers, writing lesson plans, entering grades, filling out paper work, writing names on folders, or at the very least thinking about your students and what will be best for them at all times. You can ask Ken. Most of the time if he asks me what is on my mind, it is one of my students. Something that happened at school, their homelives, or issues that I think that they are having. 

As a wife and a future mother, I have made my decision(and it was a hard one to make.) My decision is that I will teach my little heart out while I am at school. I will write awesome lesson plans, teach effectively, love on my students, reflect on what I am doing right and wrong, and of course, assess. 😉 But at the end of the day, I am going home. I am not letting my job control my life. Right now, when I tell people that I am going home leaving it all at school, they will always say, “Oh wait until you have kids. Then, you will always be rushing to get out.” Well, I am sure that is true, I will want to spend a lot of time with my kid or kids, but I also want to get home to be with my husband. He deserves some of my time too. 

Please don’t see this post as someone who is berating teachers for staying past 5:00. I do it too some times. I’m also not saying you should never bring home papers to grade or lessons to write. And for goodness sakes, I am DEFINITELY not saying that when you leave the school, you should forget all about the students’ lives that you are affecting every day. This one is especially hard to do. All I am saying is that my choice has to be my family. My purpose in life is my job, and I love teaching everyday that I am there. But my family deserves so much more from me than I give them even now. 

Please pray for me, and all of the other teachers starting back to school soon. Pray that our priorities are right. Pray that we show our love and devotion to our school family, but that we can also show our love and devotion even more to our family at home. I want my child to grow up in a house(kind of like I did) where they know that my job is SO important and while I love it, I love them even more. This year will be especially important for me to do this. 

Pity Party.

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You know, sometimes, you just have to have things put into perspective. 

Six months ago-

Wait, no let’s go back farther. A year ago, I was sitting in the same spot on my couch, but my life was a lot different. I was getting ready to go back to school, but my mind was consumed with other things, mainly trying to have a baby. There were so many days when I was sad and consumed by these thoughts. I was really struggling. To be honest, I didn’t trust God, which in turn made me feel even worse because I was doubting. Things were just hard. 

Okay, now, six months ago, my sweet great grandma died. I really and truly never thought the day would come. I knew it was weird to be 27 and still have a great grandmother, but I never thought about losing her. On that day, I realized that my problems weren’t that bad. (We had already announced the adoption by this point.)

After that day, I began to really look around. A couple of weeks later, tragedy struck one of my good friend’s family. It was close enough to me that it affected me tremendously. My “problems” continued to shrink. A month later, a member of our life group and a good friend of ours was killed on the job at an industrial plant. He left behind a wife and three precious children(who are now our godchildren). By this point, I was thanking God that I had the “problems” that I had. 

No matter how stressful my days are, even when our agency closed and we lost a great deal of money, I was never really stressed. You know why? Because a pity party isn’t any fun. I have watched people struggle through things that are harder than I have ever been through in my life and they are strong. They inspire me. They have taught me that while yes, my struggle is real and it really does(or did) hurt, it can’t bring you down. You’ve got to get up. Leave that pity party and get the real party! I LOVE a good party! 🙂