5 things you probably shouldn’t say to a couple in the processing of adoption….and 1 thing we should all say more often.

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It’s been about a month since we have announced our plans for adoption. During this month, we have been amazed at the outpouring of love and support that we have felt. It’s truly been such a blessing! Just as in everything in life, sometimes people are so well meaning, but their words might not be exactly what we want or need to hear. Just in observation over the past four weeks, I have come up with a list of five things that adoptive parents probably don’t really like to hear. 

1. “Maybe you should just keep trying a little longer.”- We have thought about this. We haven’t been trying terribly long, especially when we see other families that have gone through this process for MUCH longer. I have explained this to a few people that the reason that we went ahead and started the process was we didn’t want to reach the point where we were desperate to have a baby of our own and bitter about others having their own. The adoption process isn’t a quick solution, so we wanted to make sure that we never reached that level of stress. 

2. ” “Well, that’s awesome because now you won’t have to worry about losing the baby weight or go through labor pains!”- We didn’t decide to go this route because it would help me keep my figure or I was afraid of a little bit(a LOT bit) of pain. Just making the decision of adoption was a painstaking one to make. It wasn’t the easy way out. 

3. “Oooh, adoption can be so risky!” PLEASE don’t tell me the horror story of when your friend adopted a baby just to have it taken back before finalization or when your cousin ended up with a baby from a drug situation. We are praying for our baby. We are praying for our baby’s birthmother. We hope that when the time comes, these prayers will be answered including the healthy birth of the baby and the finalization of the adoption.

4. “Once you adopt, you will get pregnant!”- I know this situation seems to happen quite a bit, but this is a trap for me. As you know if you have read other posts in my blog, I am a planner. When people say this to me, it is my nature to start thinking, “Oh good, I will adopt a baby to get my family jumpstarted and then I will get pregnant.” If this happens, that would be amazing, but if this doesn’t happen, then I don’t want to be devastated. If it is God’s will for us to adopt and then get pregnant, that’s what will happen, but if not, we will still have a baby of our own, not biologically, but by heart. 

5. Last but not least, “Have you figured out why you can’t have a baby?” or “Whose fault is it that you can’t have a baby?” There are a couple of things I take offense to here. 1. This is a private matter. I am a private person. The only person that knows my medical history is my doctor, so I definitely don’t want to discuss it with others. 2. It is nobody’s “fault” that we can’t have a baby. Right now, it is not in God’s plan for us to have a baby biologically. 3. In our marriage, we don’t play the blame game. Even if we had been down that road, and been tested, we would not blame one of us or the other. That’s a dangerous road to go down that can only end in hurt feelings and resentment. That is the LAST thing that we want or need in our marriage. Life is hard enough as is. We like being on each other’s team. 

With all of these things that we don’t want to hear, there is one thing that we never get tired of hearing. The number one thing that you can say to a couple in the process of adoption is, “We are praying for you.” That never gets old! Not only do we need to hear this, but everyone needs to hear this. When someone is going through fertility treatments, the best thing you can say is “I will be praying for you.” For those couples that have suffered a miscarriage or are still struggling to get pregnant, the best thing you can say is “I will be praying for you.” For those couples who have children and are raising them in this crazy, busy, hectic world, the best thing you can say is “I will be praying for you.” For those people who have “finished” raising their children and are now back to being empty nesters, the best thing you can say is, “I will be praying for you.” Here’s the challenging part though. Don’t just tell them this, actually pray for them. I know two people at the Hayes house that will welcome any prayers we can get. 🙂 

“Whoever welcomes a child in my name welcomes me, and anyone who welcomes me welcomes also my Father who sent me.” Mark 9.37

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6 thoughts on “5 things you probably shouldn’t say to a couple in the processing of adoption….and 1 thing we should all say more often.

  1. Amen, amen, and amen! This is a totally different subject,but one that allows me to empathize with you. After Erin was born, so many well meaning people made totally inappropriate comments about her birthmark. I would love to have been able to blog about it back then. Obviously they meant no harm, but I think your blog is spot on to kindly inform people who are innocently ignorant about this type thing.

  2. Laura Carder

    Stacy, that was so beautifully said. What a great lesson for all of us to hear and remember. I will be praying for you and Ken and your baby-to-be!!

  3. kelly goodman

    You could not have said it better! Now although I haven’t been in your situation, I’ve gotten a lot of fertility questions about my twin daughters. I don’t understand why people question adoption… whether you have your own biological child or not, the blessing to adopt a child who was given up for personal reasons only to have a blessed life is all that matters! You two are going to be amazing parents and any child is going to be blessed to called you mommy and daddy and any birth mother is going to be blessed to have you two in her life as well. We’ve been praying for you and although we all like different football teams, the one team we can agree on is team Hayes!

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